A relator is a person who relates. The word “relator” is so rarely used, that spell check will assume you mean realtor.  I believe we need to use the word relator more with an effort to call people into action who are skilled in the art of relating. People who are empathic and embrace learning. People who believe that our connection to each other and to our planet is under attack and we need to find a way forward that keeps us in healthy, loving, and thriving relationships with each other and the communities we live and participate in. Being a relator does not mean that you are always agreeing with other people, it means you are trying to understand and empathize where someone else is coming from which makes the other person feel better in your company and you benefit from the learning you gain through understanding.

Relator Principles:

NOTE: Principles alone will not change your life, but practices built around them will. Watch Stephanie talk about these principles in a Tedx Talk from November 21th 2020 for Westridge School. 

Relator Principle One: Choice Connection over Consumption

When you find yourself with times on your hands – Choice Trees and Stories vs. Amazon and Instagram. (or whichever online platform you spend the most time on) Decrease your screen time by increasing your green time. It is impossible to not feel connected when you are experiencing nature. Spent time outside, with a pet, or plant something and watch it grow. If while doing any of these activities you can involve another person, even better.

Equally energizing and inspiring as activities in nature are evoking the stories of your life. Call a relative and ask them to tell you a story about your parent. Share a story with a friend. Dig out the stories that teach important lessons and give you goosebumps and inspiration by asking questions like, “What was it like to meet ______,” or “Tell me about a moment when you felt excited, scared, loved….

Human interest stories are how we learn who we are…what makes us unique and how we are connected to each other. Participating in exchanging stories with other people provides vital energy of reflection and connection.

Relator Principle Two: Avoid Word Comas

Have you caught yourself saying someone’s else catch-phrase or repeating information that you are unsure of where you got it from? Invest time learning new ways to say things that are important to you. If you find yourself repeating the same thing over and over again to someone without moving the conversation forward, the receiver of your message is not getting what you saying, try to find a different way to say what you need to say that provokes feedback and interaction. Just like a valued relationship, good conversations do not have a predetermined ending. (in many ways, the best relationships are just one continuous great conversation)

Relator Principle Three: Ask MORE “WHY” Questions

Throughout life, you will meet many people who think they know “what” you do and “what” you are about. The people who understand “why” you do what you do will be a smaller group of people. A group of people that you will naturally feel closer to because they understand your “why.” The more “why” understanding you can exchange with a person, the deeper that connection will be.

Relator Principle Four: Be a Time Enigma

The relationship you have with time will impact your relationships with people. Sometimes you are going to need to speed up or slow down and only you will know when each is required. Pay attention to your own patterns and body. Experiment with doing activities at different times of the day. Don’t hold yourself to a level of output that requires you to go, go, go, all the time. We need rest and meditation. The sooner you understand your own patterns the better you can communicate your boundaries and requirements. Know and adjust your relationship with time in a way that helps you be the best version of yourself. Resist the urge to compare yourself to other people’s relationship with time.

Relator Principle Five: Aim for the Highest Possible Spiritual Connection (Participate in the Nuance of Love)

I believe there is a supportive, vitality-charged spiritual energy that is always available to us. This energy has nothing to do with religious affiliation and is accessible to all people whether they have faith in God or not. You can experience this energy by choosing to participate in the nuances of love. Regularly expressing love to friends and family. Whenever you enter a new space whether it be in your mind or physical environment, develop a habit of asking and answering the question, “What do I love about this?”  You will need to zoom in and zoom out with this filter repeatedly throughout life. (EXAMPLE) When I was in high school, I wanted to be a fashion designer, so I spent my first two years of college at a fashion design school. During this time, I learned that I did not have the patience for sewing and after meeting several people in the industry, I did not feel the industry was right for me. In the broader view of why I was attracted to fashion is a love for being around people who can expressively communicate with love whether that be through some sort of artistic expression or simply using their words to communicate their passion. Committing to a career in marketing was a better calling for me because it allows me to meet all kinds of people who are passionate about what they do. Life is not only about loving what you do, it is about loving who you are doing it with.  The supportive spiritual energy I am referring to here that I often call GRACE, wants us to be in loving connection to purpose and people and will show up to support you when you appreciate and value this interdependence. We are not meant to go through life alone or strive for self-made status, it is our connection to each other that creates a legacy and a fulfilling life.

Relator Principle Six: Know Your Relator Role (There are three: Mentor, Supporter, Challenger)

How many of you are being encouraged to figure out your life’s purpose right now? I can tell you with 100% certainty if you focused on identifying and valuing the mentors, supporters, and challengers in your life, and developing a habit of knowing when to BE and SEEK for one of those three roles, your purpose will find you.

To be clear, I am talking about people that you have a relationship with that it outside of using any form of digital communication.(including texting) People who you exchange interactive influence with as opposed to someone that calls themselves an influencer who does not know your specific hopes, dreams, and fears. Identifying the mentors, supporters, and challengers in your life will help you determine characteristics you value in people and help you see who you are supposed to be experiencing life with.